Its hard to explain how you can feel lonely while literally sharing your body with another person, but my pregnancy with Tiny was a painfully lonely time for me. About a month before we found out Tiny was on her way Hubs and I celebrated our 3rd Anniversary. I was a full time stay at home Mom to Destructo and Hubs was a youth pastor; we planned this pregnancy. All told life was good. We had a stable job, health benefits, and I felt like we had a great community. This was my ideal time for a pregnancy. Within a month everything was gone and my ideal pregnancy turned into an emotional roller coaster.
I tested on June 6th.
June 14th God very abruptly took us out of Youth Ministry.
Between July and September Hubs commuted roughly 2 hours away for a temporary position while trying to find a permanent position.
July 25th I enrolled in 12 credit hours of “puff classes” at Millersville University in order to obtain GI Bill benefits while Hubs job hunted. I never wanted to take classes but we needed the money to subsidize out lack of income. I am not very good at wearing more than one hat, so being a pregnant full time student and mother to Destructo was difficult on me.
Mid-August our insurance ran out, I was roughly 13 weeks pregnant. Between 15-26 weeks I went to the OBGYN once for my 20 week ultrasound. Hubs and I made the choice to forgo medical “check-ups” as long as I felt like all was well. My midwife completely understood and were very cooperative.
After tirelessly searching for a job Hubs stumbled onto a position in Lancaster City and applied.
September 27th we found out we discovers our seconds baby was a girl!
November Hubs started his new position.
From this point on our lives normalized. My morning sickness subsided by 20 ish weeks. Hubs settled into his new position. We even started working with a new youth group in our neighborhood. I made friends with a family associated with the youth group and found some friends for Destructo. Slowly God replaced the things we’d lost after leaving our previous church.
Even through God’s provision I am still amazed at how damaging those few months were to me. I never understood my inner need for constant community until this time in my life. I wanted people to ask me about the pregnancy. I wished someone would just touch my belly or talk to my unborn baby. I felt as though I was the only person who cared about this little life growing inside me. I felt as though the new life I was carrying wasn’t anticipated.
The Holidays came and went, the winter of 2014 blasted us and before I knew it my little Love Bug was here (birth story here). I stopped thinking about the pain I felt during my pregnancy; I let things so unresolved in my heart. Unresolved pain all to often turns into anger or bitterness. I found it coming out in the form of jealousy. I was jealous of my friends pregnancies; the baby showers, the church family, even the cute pictures I took.
Some people may hate the attention pregnancy brings them, but no one wants to feel like their baby isn’t anticipated. Every baby is precious. Every baby deserves to feel wanted before they are even born.
God was preparing me for roads I couldn’t even imagine; roads I am just NOW starting to see and understand. Loosing the position at Grace was a step toward the best life God has for me and my family. It sucked; but it was totally worth it.