Is My Heart Big Enough?

Everyone told me the transition from one to two was hard but after that it was easy. Everyone lied!

The first 12 hours after Moose was born were perfect. Hubs and I slept with Moose between us in a huge family bed at the birth center. We headed home around 6 am. Once home I got right into bed and Moose stayed with me for the next week. The two of us didn’t leave the Master bedroom for about five days. Hubs took over with the girls and the house, he became my postpartum doula.

The family met him about 15 hours after he came home. This was the first baby blues episode. I looked at my little girls and they suddenly seemed huge. Destructo wasn’t quite four but she looked fifteen and Tiny was not long tiny. I fought back tear the entire time we introduced them. The girls rubbed his hair and gave Moose gentle kisses. I cried when everyone left. I cried because my babies were huge. I cried because I couldn’t be with them while I recovered in my room. I cried because I ruined their lives by having a third child. Baby blues suck!

How could I love all three of them? My heart couldn’t possibly fit all three kids. Every night Hubs brought the kids in to say goodnight and every night I cried. I felt guilty for missing bedtime. I wanted things to go back to normal, before Moose our routine was perfect. Why did I have to mess things up by bringing a baby home? Then I felt guilty for thinking things like that. How could I say that about Moose? I love him!

Day four was the worst emotionally. I cried most of the day. I knew these moments would come. When Moose was asleep I stole moments with the girls, took a shower,; just tried to be my old self. I want to sit down and document how my emotions tracked during those first few days. It is such a roller coaster, no one can prepare you for it. Each time was different and each time still took me by surprise.

A new normal approaches. I don’t know what it looks like yet but we will figure it out.

 

 

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